Last night I overheard someone I know say to her mom “I am glad for this time.” I was speaking to her on her other line, and she told me to hold, while she spoke briefly with her mother. In a sense, I can relate. I am not happy people are dying, I am not thrilled people are sick, I’m going bonkers, to be home for almost three weeks. Yet, life is quiet right now, the earth is healing, the birds seem louder in the mornings, the air is fresh, and the sky displays a radiant blue. All over the world there appears to be God’s hand on his earth. The canals of Venice, Italy are cleaner as they welcome the dolphins and swans again. The very animals from years gone by. The ones forced to take refuge in other places, rather than the canals they knew about, yet never forgot. They returned with such ease and grace. All over the world, animals return to what they lost. They return to God.
Friday night last week, I cried so hard. I cried for us, me, thee…So many people are being lifted to the sky. These are souls who knew God, and some who didn’t live for Him. Yet, I know God is crying too. I have entertained texts, emails, and calls, exemplifying much despair. Some blame God for what’s happening now, while the majority know, this is not off God. I speak here, to those who recognize the latter, and I contend though, He wants us to be better.
I search for patterns of personal preferences and authentication as I push through the thoughts of who I once was. That person fills the sometimes delicate screens as if there are no holes at all. This person prevents the mosquitoes to bite and other uncaring bugs to enter in. This person I know so well. This person is the same as the person I am now. This person tells me it is okay to cry tears of sadness. This person tells me it’s fine to speak of long hugs, and to dream of them all the same. Like the dream I had last week of placing my head on the shoulder of someone I know well, and linger…just linger.
Tears, idle tears, I know not what they mean
Tears from the depth of some divine despair
Rise in the heart, and gather in the eyes
Alfred, Lord Tennyson
For me, pain reflects the past. Yesterday, my heart hurt, it hurt this afternoon. Though I don’t watch the news, I know hurt is happening all around me. It so easy to say “Don’t be too worried, God is in control” He is, I know he is…I really do. Yet, I hold my elderly friends with such care in my own heart, as I hold everyone in my life right now. I pray for strength. I pray for clarity.
I dig, and I dig the path back to myself. This path I want to share so much with the world again. May this time come soon. As I heal, the world heals too.
My mother encourages my rest, my best friends long for me to rest. Now I must rest.
Thank you father for closing my eyes each night as I sleep. Thank for my magnificent dream state as well. Thank you for the quiet of early morning. The songs of the birds and rushed behavior of the squirrels on my fence. Thank you for your love over this earth. Father, may all know how sweet your love is. Like the animals moving back home, thank you for keeping the light on for me.
Your appreciative daughter,
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